The Transition to Motherhood
By Elyse Killoran
The following experiences are almost universal - yet
they catch many of us off guard. If you have been
judging yourself as a success or a failure at this mommy
stuff based on what you had imagined motherhood would be
like, read on...
1. As a new mother, you are likely to be exhausted and
under stress, and to experience emotional highs and
lows.
The postpartum experience is one of peaks and valleys.
As in any transition, there will be losses as well as
gains. At times you may question your ability to mother
well. Your relationships with friends and significant
others will likely change. You may feel very isolated
and you may miss some aspects of life before baby's
arrival. New mothers typically report experiencing the
full range of emotions--from elation to joy, to pride
and a sense of spiritual expansion, to jealousy, anger,
guilt, and frustration. A sense of ambivalence during
the first months of your baby's life is not a sign that
you are a poor or uncaring mother. On the contrary, it
is a sign that you are deeply aware of the significance
of this experience and that you are allowing your love
for this child to change and deepen your sense of who
you really are.
2. Your expectations of motherhood may not match your
reality.
The images that you might have had of motherhood,
garnered from the media, had you believing that nearly
every minute spent with your new bundle of joy would be
peaceful, joyful, and fulfilling. Yet caring for a child
is difficult, emotionally demanding, and frequently
boring work. It is likely to come as a shock when you
find that you were ill prepared for just how demanding
your infant could be. You might find yourself feeling
frustrated by the repetitive nature of the tasks (for as
soon as you have diapered, clothed, and fed your baby,
it is time to repeat the cycle). You might miss the
social interaction that you enjoyed at the office or the
intellectual stimulation of your job. No matter how much
you love your child, it is perfectly normal to admit you
are not necessarily enamored of the role of full-time
at-home mom.
3. You may find may find yourself so enthralled with
your little one that your love affair with the baby
begins to eclipse your love affair with your husband.
Many new mothers find that their needs to be touched and
adored have been satisfied by the interaction that they
have with their babies. Yet their husbands long for the
intimacy they once enjoyed with their wives. It may seem
as if finding time for adult conversation or romantic
nights alone requires too much effort and energy, but
unless a couple puts forth a concerted effort to keep
the romance alive, the arrival of a baby can mark the
end of passion and the beginning of something more akin
to a "sibling/best-friend" relationship. Keep in mind
that one of the greatest gifts you can give to your
children is the model of a successful marriage--one in
which both partners listen, respond to, and support one
another. Although it might seem difficult to imagine
now, it is really in your child's best interest for you
to set aside time without your child so that you can
continue to nurture your marriage.
4. You may have to work to stay connected to other
aspects of your "personhood."
It is so easy for a new mother to get swept away by this
new role and to lose herself somewhat in the process.
Therefore, it is essential that you make it a point to
carve out some time for the activities that meant a lot
to you prior to motherhood. By reserving a bit of time
for enjoyable and rejuvenating activities, you will find
it easier to share yourself with your child during the
rest of the week. One suggestion is to reserve one
evening a week where one of the parents can have time
for him or herself. The other spouse is then responsible
for all child and home care for a set amount of time,
which provides each parent both with quality time with
the child as well as some very vital personal time.
5. The best gift you can give to everyone around you
(especially your children and your spouse) is the gift
of caring for yourself.
Not only is your own self-care a gift to yourself--it is
an absolute necessity for the health and well-being of
your loved ones. While most new mothers will stop at
nothing to ensure that their children's needs are met,
these same women behave as if they can deny they own
needs indefinitely. The reality of motherhood is that
you can only share as much love and nurturing as you
yourself are receiving. It is essential that all mothers
ask for help and support on a regular basis in order to
replenish themselves and to build up their reserves of
energy and love. Once your needs are met you'll have so
much more to share with your family.
