How To Teach Your Children
With raising children, the toughest part, is not understanding when complicated situations come up. And not knowing or understanding why the situation at hand, is the way it is. Or when we simply don’t know how to handle how or why our child has interpreted something the way he/she has.
It was at a recent gathering of friends, during a Sunday afternoon barbeque, when the subject of how my children seem to understand and communicate at a mature level with myself and the other adults in their lives. For many years I felt guilty about this fact, because I assumed it was due to having been through the some difficult times in our lives, divorce, remarriage, etc. And that it possibly took away from their childhood. However, having had it pointed out to me, that it was a good and wished upon quality, that many of the mothers at the BBQ, wished their children had, I decided to look at some of the ways I have taught my children to understand at a somewhat higher level, then other children their age.
When I say teach your children, I am not referring to math, reading or writing, although those are very important issues to help your child learn. What I am referring to, is helping your child gain their own perspective on situations, through your own communication of your beliefs, values and every day thoughts. To let them know that they have a mind of their own, and that you are hoping to pass on your beliefs and thoughts, in hopes that, they too, will find them as quality information in how they conduct their lives.
With realizing that parents are busy, and having read just about every parenting book available, the one thing not taken into consideration, is that parents don’t have time to sit down with a check list every night, and make sure they have covered all the daily bases of communicating with their children. With having six kids, that would rap up all twenty-four hours of my day, every day! The following is a list of things I have always done with my children, from a very early age. Your children are never too young to understand your commitment to them. Even if you are only able to add one of them to your parenting, I believe you and your child(ren) will benefit greatly.
Never Assume Anything!
Never assume your child knows he/she can come and tell you anything. Because they don’t always know or feel it. Tell them! And remind them, often. If your child feels that something they have come across in their day, contradicts what you believe, it will be very difficult for them to approach you about discussing it.
Post it !
Remember all those wonderful sayings you come upon, that you feel hold so much truth in life? Write them down, print them out, and post them on your refrigerator, a bulletin board, anywhere that you and your child will be reminded of it. Even if it means being asked a thousand times, what it says and what it means, if it's something you believe in or find truth in, it will reveal a message to your child, about how you think and why.
Remember, You Are Not The Only One With An Opinion!
This is a tough one, I know. Because there are just sometimes, and some days, when you really don’t want to hear your child’s opinion, and there are some situations, when they are better off unheard. However, I have always given my children the opportunity to express their opinion and it has been a wonderful way to stay in touch with, and really know who my children are and what, how and why they think the way they do. The point being made to them, that they are allowed to tell me what they are thinking, and sometimes it will help alter my decision, and sometimes it won’t. But they always feel they are being heard, and that what they think is important to me. If it so happens that what they had to say, didn’t change my thoughts, then I had the opportunity to explain why. Which simply gives you more time for explaining your decision, and your child more time to try to understand.
Explain The Unexplainable!
Think about all the times you have cut your conversation short with your child, because you just didn’t think they had the capabilities to understand the explanation. Explain it anyway, along with the fact that they may not understand it. And the reason for that inability to understand. When we try to push those thoughts out of our child’s mind, it doesn’t work. They simply try to gather their own information, whether it is a made up explanation, information from friends or an assumption based on your unwillingness to talk about it. They will get their information, and better from you, then anywhere else.
Help Them To Think Of Their Own Thoughts And Beliefs!
Hopefully, this one comes out fairly close to your own! If you know they are struggling with a situation or thought, or if they come to you and ask for your help. Don’t just tell them what to do. Help them think through the situation, and take a look at what they believe is right or needed. Tell them how important it is that they know and understand what is important to them, and not just to you. You certainly want them to know how you feel about the situation, and maybe even what you would do if in that particular situation. But help them to come to the conclusion, that it is what they want and need to do.
Let Your Children, Help Make Decisions!
A good friend of mine has a child who is ten years old, and will not pick out her own clothes. The mother contributes it to the fact that she has never allowed her daughter to, or helped her daughter to make decisions, for herself, or within the family life. This is so important, as so when it comes to making decisions in their lives outside of your guidance, you have given them the skills to make those decisions, based on his/her beliefs and thoughts, as to not be over-powered by peers or strangers. Let them help plan the weekly meals, or even a single dinner. When making rules for your home and family, allow their input. Even if their input is guided, they will feel the rewards of having been allowed to use their own thoughts in decision making.
Tell And Explain Your Love For Them!
We all love our children. And we all know they know it. But do we really. I have always a big one to tell my children I love them, each individually, on a daily basis. I always wanted to make sure they knew it, understood it and the fact that it meant more to me, than just the fact that they were my child. A friend of my daughters’ once said to her, Your Mom is so nice, and loves you so much, my Mom isn’t like that.My daughter told her that her Mom was very nice, and that she loved her too, and just as much as I loved my daughter. But the girl replied that her Mom didn’t tell her she loved her very often, and when she did, it was because all parents love their kids. But that she could tell I loved my kids a lot more, because of the way I said it, and how often I said it. Now I know this girl, and her mother. And I know that this is a wonderful Mom, who had dedicated her life to her three children. So why the different interpretation? Because of the different explanation. If this girl had at one time, asked her Mom if she loved her kids, and the mother replied with something like, Of course I do, all Moms love their children.The girl very well may have taken that to mean that’s why her Mom loved her kids, because all Moms do! My children have been told, that their is no other job in the world, I would want more. They have been told individual reasons, for my love for them. They also have been told the yucky part of the love of a mom, in that we have the responsibility to make sure they live healthy, safely and lovingly. And sometimes that means showing our love for them in way in which they may not like, being grounded, loss of privileges, or however we discipline our children. Even children have a much better understanding of situations, consequences, and life in general, when having it explained to them.
Help Your Child Through Adult Conversations!
The best and most meaningful conversations your child will ever have, are the ones with you, with your undivided attention and willingness to allow them to explore their own minds. However there are occasions when your child is talking with another adult, and isn’t quite grasping the meaning or explanation of all being said. With nobody knowing your child better, jump in and help him/her to understand what you may see being missed. Instead of letting them go away confused, or thinking that they should just stay away from conversations with adults. When a child feels inferior to a subject, it creates a barrier that is very hard to break down. Helping them through those types of situations, will give them the needed confidence for many future situations to come, when you aren’t there to guide them through it.
This certainly is not all the answers to parenting. Rather a simple guide of some easy, yet often over looked skills we can use in making the raising of children, and the outcome, a little sweeter. Children are our greatest asset, and when we take the time necessary, we become our child's greatest, along with each of us becoming the other's, greatest reward!
