The Frustrations
and Rewards of Parenting Teenagers
Most parents - whether they admit it or not -
react to the onset of their child's teenage years with
either trepidation or absolute dread. We look back to
our own teenage years, and wonder how our parents
lived through our fads, our raging hormones, our
rebellion, and our attitudes. It's almost as though,
overnight, our parents went from knowing everything to
knowing nothing, from understanding our hopes and
dreams to being clueless about who we are and what we
want out of life. Looking back, we know that parenting
teenagers is no cakewalk, and can't begin to imagine
how we'll survive the ordeal.
If only there was a parent handbook or parent
directory, teens would be so much easier to raise.
Even a family newsletter with tips and hints would be
welcomed and make us feel as though we're not alone in
our journey. There's never a doubt that we want what's
best for our children, but what are we supposed to do
when we lose our equanimity and get sucked into yet
another argument about friends or clothes or the car?
Is there any hope of ever having another enjoyable
family vacation? How do we know when our teenager just
has the blues and when he or she is clinically
depressed? If it's the latter, what are the skills
involved in parenting troubled teens?
Although we may approach our child's teenage years
with dread, the truth is that parenting teenagers can
be rewarding. Here are four tips to get through those
teenage years.
1. Acknowledge our power. Although our teens would be
loath to admit it, we still wield an enormous amount
of influence over them. We may not think they're
listening to us, but they are. During stressful times
when we're tempted to take the bait and lay down
ultimatums or get into an argument, it's important to
remember that we're still role models for our teens.
The more often we take the high road, the more they'll
benefit.
2. Loosen the apron strings. It's difficult to accept
that the purpose of the teenage years is to separate
and differentiate from parents. When our teenagers
begin to develop their own personal tastes and
opinions, and especially when they want to be treated
"as adults," it's hard to find the right balance
between maintaining control and allowing them to
nurture their individuality. We have the right and the
obligation to set rules and standards, but we can't
set them arbitrarily. If our teens demonstrate that
they're trustworthy, we must give them room to grow.
3. Be vigilant. It's difficult to imagine that
parenting teenagers is more difficult than parenting
toddlers, but it's true. We may have loosened the
apron strings, but that doesn't mean we should let go.
All teenagers have secrets, and it's our job to make
sure that our teens' secrets don't have the potential
to harm themselves or others. That doesn't mean
snooping (trust goes both ways), but it does mean
staying involved in and aware of their activities and
friends.
4. Listen with our ears and our hearts. Teenagers are
notoriously uncommunicative, so listening is doubly
important. This means listening both when they're
speaking and when they're not. As the saying goes,
silence can speak volumes, so it's crucial to learn to
interpret the different kinds of silence. We also need
to learn to listen by asking. This doesn't mean
hounding our teens with questions, but asking their
opinions and truly hearing what they have to say -
without passing judgment or correcting them. All teens
seek acceptance, and although most go through periods
of feeling acceptance is lacking from their peers, we
can fill in the gaps.
There's no doubt that parenting teenagers is
incredibly challenging. And the reality is that we may
not see the fruits of our efforts for several years.
But when we devote the time and develop the skills to
effectively parent our teens, we will experience the
rewards, both now and in the future.
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